Reasons and Silver Linings

We all know the phrase "everything happens for a reason."

We use it as a way to make us feel better when things go wrong, a way to justify the current events in our lives. I used to believe whole heartedly that it was absolutely true, there is a reason for everything that happens, whether or not we know what that reason is.

For a little while I stopped believing that everything happens for a reason, mostly because a few things I really wanted didn't go my way and I couldn't believe there was any possible explanation why.

I like to think that I'm a fairly optimistic person most of the time, and while I admit there was a period of glass-half-empty attitude following a few things whose results I wasn't too pleased with, I ended up with a theory on the idea that "everything happens for a reason." We all have things that don't go as planned and events or outcomes that seem to have no reason, and while some people are content to feel bad for themselves for far too long, I'm not one of them. That's why I decided to share my personal approach to making the most out of everything that happens.

DISCLAIMER: Whether or not you believe in everything happening for a reason, this whole approach is going to require you to keep an open mind about it.

Rule Number 1: Make a Reason for Everything that Happens

If you believe that everything happens for a reason, chances are you're going to try to find that reason every time something unplanned happens. But you shouldn't. Reasons present themselves when they want to and sometimes you'll find them right away, but sometimes it can take a long, long time, and you don't need to waste all that time searching.

Like I said, it can be a long time before you ever realize what the reason behind something was. Until then, you don't need to know what the real reason was, you can make it for yourself. Come up with every possible reason why something could've happened the way it did, instead of the way you planned it. Who knows, maybe the reason you make up for yourself will be the real one, or one of many real reasons. As long as the reason you make makes sense to you, there's no reason why that can't be the real one.


Rule Number 2: Find the Silver Lining

As aforementioned, I like to think I'm a pretty optimistic person, and as an optimist I truly think it is rare that something happens and no good comes of it. Thus, the silver lining. Everything has one if you look close enough. Every less than ideal situation you find yourself in will result in at least one good thing. Maybe you'll learn a life lesson, maybe your attitude towards something or someone will change. Even going to the dentist, a less than ideal situation for most people, has a silver lining: you usually get a sticker (or free toothpaste, because for some reason medical offices seem to think 18 year olds are too old for stickers, which absolutely is not true.) Regardless of how bad things look, there is always a silver lining. You may need to look at things from a new perspective or get outside input on a situation, but I promise you will find one if you look close enough.

Rule Number 3: Reverse the Phrase

This rule is less about making the most out of everything that happens, and more about realizing what has happened as the result of what you didn't realize was a reason. Think if it as an exercise in finding a reasons.

The phrase is "everything happens for a reason" right? And that's the order it usually goes in, something happens and it's not till later that the reason shows up. A situation (what happened) comes first, and the reason it happened doesn't show up until later. Just like the phrase suggests, the reason comes second. Sometimes though, one tiny little reason can be the beginning of something happening, and it isn't until later that you look back and realize what something started.

That's actually the whole inspiration behind this post, realizing the reason for something.
Yesterday I was texting my best friend, as I do all day every day (we are never, not talking) when we started talking about the reason we're even friends. Here's a little backstory for those of you who don't know the two of us, or for those of you who do but somehow haven't heard this:

Sophomore year at a convention we happened to be sitting at the same table for dinner with some mutual friends. She was having a conversation with the girl sitting in between us when all of the sudden I overheard the word "tomfoolery." Don't ask me why I thought that was so funny, but for some reason I did, so I asked her "did you actually just use the word tomfoolery in a sentence and can we be friends?" She said yes to both, told me her name was Nikki and the rest is history. Three years later and she's still my best friend in the world.

Whenever one of us needs advice about anything, we always go to each other, and yesterday was no exception. After we solved the problem being faced at the time I got a text from her that said
"For the record, it's a really good thing I decided to use the word tomfoolery in a sentence at winter conventions cuz like what would I do if you weren't my best friend?"
That one thought got us both thinking: what if she hadn't said that? We would've met each other eventually at another convention but would we be as close as we are now?

This is the perfect example of there being a reason for everything that happens. Not for everything happening for a reason, but the other way around. The reason came first. The entire reason that we are best friends is because of one word that she said at the exact right time on December 21, 2010. The next three years of friendship is what happened, but the reason came first.

Obviously this rule doesn't apply to using "everything happens for a reason" to find the upside of a bad situation. It actually isn't really a rule at all. It would probably be more appropriate to call it the exception, since it is just using the phrase backwards. Either way, it can give you a new perspective on something you never thought very long and hard about (like the reason you and your best friend are in fact best friends.)

So that is my approach to the idea of everything happening for a reason, but to sum things up I have a song quote:

"Some believe in destiny and some believe in fate, I believe that happiness is something we create."

To be honest, I believe in all three of those, and I think my rules to applying "everything happens for a reason" requires all three. To find or trust the reason behind things that have happened, it helps to believe in destiny and fate. If you don't believe in either though, it's still easy to come up with your own reasons or to find your silver lining, as long as you believe that you create your own happiness.

By no means am I pretending that I have really good advice or saying that this will work for everyone, but if for some crazy reason you decide to trust me, this always works for me.

Whether it's as a result of this advice or not, I hope you find your reasons and silver linings.

~Melissa Tamar